Nor with you…

By Dra. Margarita Mendoza Burgos

There are times when couple relationships enter a stage of stagnation from which it is difficult to get out. A kind of maze, no progress or setbacks, where you walk through the repeated paths and you never see the exit.

 This type of relationship is also known as “neither with you nor without you”. 

In other words, It is a dependent relationship with a lot of conflict because the couple cannot adequately solve their problems.

Basically because each of the members is almost always looking to achieve control over the other and something as simple as proving right, it may feel like you've been defeated.

Generally in these cases the roles of dominated and dominator are exchanged, unless there is an abuser who subjugates the other always, in that case it would be more difficult to maintain the marriage.

 to get started, not everyone is ready to live as a couple, especially those little mature and insecure people.

 The constant need for acceptance and validation is common in them, both of themselves and of the couple. That is why it is essential to maintain stability between the “Myself” and the needs of the couple. Because of that I recommend not to join and immediately get pregnant, much less marrying for the same.

These are couples who are too scared to end the relationship., But they are not mature enough to finish fights and heal wounds, and therefore they live in that toxic loop of sensations.

And if something could be worse, that came with the Covid-19 pandemic, since in most cases the quarantine exacerbated these conflicts.

With the confinement it has not been possible to dissipate, at least for now, the lawsuits since he has not gone to work or have fun with friends. Everything has been going around and around those same problems.

Besides the couple itself, the other big affected are the children, in case they have them. As if it was not enough to witness the escalations of anger that their parents star, which generates guilt and fear, they can also be the focus of their parents' discussion.

 A very common theme is discipline, where two diametrically opposite positions are usually exposed. It is enough that one parent can be more permissive than another and / or have more affinity with one of the children in particular.

But the children, at the end, can be a pretext to discuss. And even without them, topics to adopt different positions and generate fights will be left over: money, jealousy, Schedule, job, the friends, the mothers-in-law, etc…

Without a doubt, therapy is the best solution, and as soon as possible, best… This way they will begin to learn how to negotiate successfully and when to keep quiet. Spanish psychologist Isabel Serrano-Rosa suggests some very valid strategies. For example “Violence is not allowed, nor the threat of divorce, nor leave the house in the middle of an argument, nor warnings of suicide or assault ". Other? "Apply Exercise 5′ 5′, which suggests that during 5 minutes one listens to the other without interruption while being aware of their own feelings and breathing to relax and vice versa ".

 If both do their part and try to contribute to the cause with availability and good will, everything can be solved.

 The main problem is when one of the two refuses couples therapy. In these cases it is difficult and from the outset a sabotage of the partner of one of the parties is observed.. Therapy may be tried separately to avoid abuse in the office, but it's not a good sign either. It is the spiral of “neither with you nor without you” that turns and turns without leading anywhere.